why listen to me?

My name is Tobey Alexander, though I’ll be upfront from the start: that’s a pseudonym. I use it in my work as an author, screenwriter, and advocate for neurodivergent voices, because it gives me the space to speak honestly, freely, and without filter.

Behind the name is a real person with a real career, with nearly two decades in the UK’s Blue Light Services, working frontline in high-pressure environments. I’ve seen the best and worst of people. I’ve supported others through crisis and chaos while quietly navigating my own battles with identity, overwhelm, and trying to "fit in" to a world that often didn’t make sense.

For most of my adult life, I didn’t have the language to explain why I felt different, I just knew I was masking, managing, and burning out more than most. It wasn’t until I reached breaking point that I finally sought answers and began to understand my neurodivergence.

Now, I write and speak about those lived experiences, not from a place of “having it all figured out,” but from the messy, honest middle of it.

My mission is simple: to help others find clarity, strength, and self-acceptance earlier than I did.

And, let’s be honest, being a man navigating neurodivergence adds a whole extra layer. We’re often taught to tough it out, to not show struggle, to “man up.” But masking your truth doesn't make you strong, it makes you silent. I believe real strength comes from self-awareness and owning who you are, even when the world tells you not to.

If you're just starting your own journey, I’ve created a free NeuroEdge Starter Pack - a no-BS, lived-experience guide packed with real tools I still use myself. It’s yours, no strings attached. Because you deserve something better than surface-level advice. The Starter Pack gives you a sense of what I will be sharing in NeuroEdge: You Are Your Only Limit, a full book that promises to be a mix of live experience, raw honesty and coping strategies I’ve tried through my life.

Common and Less Common Neurodivergent Conditions

Neurodivergence shows up in many ways, and not all of them are obvious. You might not “tick the boxes” of a classic diagnosis (I certainly didn’t, hence fitting in and hiding for so long), but that doesn’t mean your struggles (or your strengths) aren’t real. Below are some of the more widely recognised conditions, along with others that are often overlooked but equally valid.

COMMON CONDITIONS

These are the ones you’re most likely to hear about. Even so, many men go undiagnosed for years because they’ve learned to hide the signs or push through the struggle (click the links to read more about each one).

Trouble focusing. Constant fidgeting or switching between tasks. You might feel restless, distracted, or forgetful on a daily basis.
But when something grabs your interest, you can be intensely focused, creative, and full of energy.
In men, ADHD is often mistaken for being lazy, unreliable, or "too much."

Socialising can feel draining. You might crave routine, dislike sudden change, or pick up on details others miss.
Many autistic men hide behind humour, overthinking, control, or silence to get through the day.
This isn’t about lacking empathy, it’s about processing the world differently.

Reading, spelling, or writing might feel harder than they should. You may struggle with instructions, grammar, or memory tasks.
But your mind often works best through visuals, systems, or ideas. Dyslexia is about different processing, not lower intelligence.

You might be clumsy, slow with tasks that need coordination, or struggle with things like handwriting or balance.
But people with dyspraxia are often highly determined, emotionally aware, and quietly persistent.

You may have physical or vocal tics that show up under stress. Often misunderstood or masked, especially in boys and men.
Behind the tics, many people with Tourette’s are quick-thinking, sharp, and creative under pressure.

LESS COMMON BUT JUST AS VALID

These profiles are talked about less, especially in adult men, but they still impact how you experience the world.

Certain lights, textures, sounds, or smells can feel overwhelming or even painful. You might be called "over-sensitive" or "fussy" but your brain is simply taking in more input than others.
This can show up on its own or alongside autism and ADHD.

You feel intense resistance to everyday demands, even things you’ve chosen for yourself. It’s not defiance, it’s anxiety in disguise.
You might experience shutdowns or explosive reactions when pressured or boxed in.

You may have learned to read at an early age and fixated on letters or numbers. Spoken language or social communication may have felt harder in comparison.
Often overlaps with autism but isn’t always recognised on its own.

You hear the words, but they don’t always make sense - especially in noisy places. You might miss instructions, zone out, or need things repeated.
This isn't about hearing loss, it's how the brain handles sound.

Words blur or move when you read. Bright lights or screens give you headaches. Reading feels tiring or confusing.
Often mistaken for dyslexia, but Irlen relates to how your brain processes visual input, not just letters.

Remember: You don’t have to fit perfectly into a box to explore your identity. If something here feels familiar, it’s worth paying attention to and exploring in your own time.

THE HIDDEN STRUGGLE (ESPECIALLY IN MEN)

Many men live for decades without realising they are neurodivergent. They know something feels off. They feel different, disconnected, or overwhelmed. But they keep pushing through. They adapt, perform, and carry on.

The problem is, they often do it silently. I can say from personal experience, living with that self-denial most certainly takes its toll.

WHY SO MANY GO UNDIAGNOSED

From a young age, boys are told to toughen up.

Don’t cry. Man up. Try harder.

Emotions are labelled as weakness. Struggles are dismissed as laziness or lack of discipline.

This conditioning runs deep. And it means that when neurodivergent traits appear, they often go unnoticed or misdiagnosed. Instead of asking for help, many men create coping habits that help them survive but slowly wear them down.

MASKING OFTEN LOOKS LIKE:

• Perfectionism - trying to control every detail to avoid criticism
• Humour - deflecting emotions by being the joker or entertainer
• Overworking - staying busy to avoid discomfort or overwhelm
• Withdrawal - pulling away from people or situations to feel safe
• Anger or irritability - masking confusion or mental overload with frustration

THE REAL COST

• Constant Burnout
• Anxiety or Depression
• Addiction or numbing behaviours
• Struggles with relationships
• Loss of direction or self-worth

When you don’t understand how your brain works, you start believing the lie that something is wrong with you.

Over time, that lie chips away at your confidence and identity.

IT'S NOT WEAk to be different

Being neurodivergent is not a flaw. It is a difference in wiring. The real danger comes from ignoring that difference and pretending everything is fine.

There is strength in knowing who you are. There is power in choosing to stop hiding.

COULD THIS BE YOU?

Not everyone knows the term neurodivergent. But a lot of people live with the experience.

You might not have a diagnosis. You might not even think you "qualify."

But if any of this sounds familiar, it’s worth exploring further.

ASK YOURSELF

• Do you often feel like you're either too much or not enough for the people around you?
• Do you burn out quickly, even when you're hardest to keep up?
• Do you overthink things to the point of exhaustion?
• Do you hyperfocus on certain interests but struggle to stay present in everyday life?
• Have you spent years learning how to "act normal" just to be accepted?
• Do you feel like you're always performing, even around people you trust?

If you're nodding along, you're not alone. You don't need a medical file to prove your experience is valid. Being real with yourself is the first step. And it's one of the most powerful ones you can take.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT IT?

If something about your experience has never quite made sense, there are ways to get clarity and support. In the UK, you have the right to explore this, and to be taken seriously.

getting assessed

Understanding your brain can be life changing.

A formal assessment can help you access support at work, in education, or just in daily life.

There are three main paths:

• Through your GP

  You can speak to your doctor and request a referral for an ADHD or autism assessment. Be clear and specific about your traits and experiences.

• Private assessments

  These can be quicker but come with a cost. Make sure the provider is recognised and qualified.

• Right to choose

  If you’re in England and over 18, you may be able to use the NHS Right to Choose pathway. This means you can choose a different provider instead of waiting years on a local NHS list.

WHAT AN ASSESSMENT ACTUALLY LOOKS LIKE

Many people imagine a clinical test or being grilled by professionals. In reality, it’s usually a conversation about your life, your history, and how you function day to day. It may include forms, interviews, or written reflections. These can be in person or virtually and, in all honesty, can take some time.

The point isn't to stick a label on you. It's to give you the language to understand yourself a little better.

DIAGNOSIS IS NOT THE END

Getting diagnosed does not change who you are. What it does is offer context. It helps you understand why things have felt harder than they should.

For many people, it also brings relief. You realise you were never broken. You just didn't have the right manual, yet, because you haven’t started writing it. After all, you know yourself best, and you’re the right person to be the author of your own handbook.

NEED HELP GETTING STARTED?

You can download a free NeuroEdge Starter Pack filled with practical tools, reflection prompts, and tips to help you take those first steps with confidence. You can also explore NeuroEdge: You Are Your OnlyLimit which shares my journey to late diagnosis (you are never too old to meet yourself).

Get the Starter Pack for free

TOOLS & RESOURCES

This space exists to make your journey easier, not harder. Whether you're just starting to explore your neurodivergence or looking for practical next steps, here are some tools and links that can help.

FREE NEUROEDGE STARTER PACK

A downloadable guide created from lived experience. Includes simple strategies, reflection exercises, and real-world advice to help you understand and support yourself better.

Download it here.

BOOKS, APPS AND VIDEOS

• Delivered from Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell (ADHD)
• Unmasking Autism by Devon Price
• NeuroTribes by Steve Silberman
• How to ADHD (YouTube Channel)
• Moody and Bearable (mental health and mood tracking apps)
• Autistica and ADHD Foundation (UK-based charities with resources)
• NeuroEdge: You Are Your Only Limit by Tobey Alexander

ASSESSMENT PATHWAYS

• NHS Right to Choose info page
• Right to Choose Guide PDF – ADHD Foundation
• Local NHS Trust neurodevelopmental services (ask your GP)
• Private providers like Psychiatry UK and Clinical Partners (always check accreditation)

Need to Talk or Ask a Question?

Reach out to me directly via the contact page on my site or follow along on LinkedIn for regular posts and updates. I always welcome respectful, real conversation. You can also visit my website where I talk neurodivergence and celebrate my creative brain with the books I write both non-fiction and fiction www.tobey-alexander.com.

FINAL THOUGHTS

You don’t need to solve everything in one go. But you do deserve to understand your brain and stop blaming yourself for things that never made sense. You have the right to stop pretending and start showing up as yourself.

The path forward might be unfamiliar, but it is yours to walk, and you don’t have to walk it alone.

“You don’t have to have all the answers today. But you do have the right to understand yourself, and to stop hiding from the person you already are.”